ذاكرة مرهق

عفويا يبدأ البشر بمراكمة الذكريات , كما تبدأ خبراتهم في الحياة في سرقتهم من تلقائيتهم. ينموا الحذر والخوف , ويبدأ الحنين الى ملاذات آمنة. خطوات الطفل الاولى , قدرته على رؤية فرادة الأشياء ليقف مصعوقا أمام فراشة عابرة أو قطة أهملها الآخرون, خوفه لرؤية القمر للمرة الأولى, ثقته في العالم حوله وقدرته على المنام على عتبات بيت , كلها تذوي ويبقى فقط حنين غامض لطفولة لن تعود .

تنموا مهارات الإنسان وتصقل , ينموا الإحساسة بإستقلاليته وفرادته وتنموا بالمقابل مخاوفه وإحتياجاته. يعمل جاهدا لتميز نفسه ويستمد قيمته من قدرته على الإنتاج والتفاني . يبدأ بإستبدال أحلام وأمال فخمة بإنتصارات صغيرة , يستغني عن إنتصاراته لمصلحة حياة هادئة, يخوض معارك يومية ليحتفظ بوجوده, يتنازل عن وجوده الشخصي لمصلحة أسماء أوسع كالعائلة والوطن والحقيقة. يبحث عن مبررات إضافية لما يصنعه, ويطمئن نفسه كل يوم قائلا "ما ازال أنا ". في الخصام وفي الصداقة, في النجاح وفي الفشل, في السعادة وفي الألم يلتقي بنخاوفه التي لا تعرف الإطمئنان . الأخرون الذين يتجرعون مخاوفهم في صمت - مثله تماما - لعيونهم مفعول السحر, تكفي التماعاتها و إبتساماتها لتأجيل مخاوفه برهة لا تدوم. نفس العيون التي تحتفي بإنتصاراته تستطيع الإزدراء وفي الحالتين يظل الإنسان وفيا لرغبته في الكمال .

عفويا يبدأ البشر بتحريف ذكرياتهم وبكتابة تأريخهم الذاتي: يفسرون ما عجزوا عن تفسيره سابقا, يكملون التفاصيل, يلقون أحزانهم وأخطائهم في سلة المهملات ويلتقوا بأحلامهم الذابله كما يلتقي الغرباء .

what's going on?: I remember those moments and feel the warm and co...

what's going on?:
I remember those moments and feel the warm and co...: "I remember those moments and feel the warm and cozy place I was in. It was dark in there, a small room. It was also my favorite where I wou..."

I remember those moments and feel the warm and cozy place I was in. It was dark in there, a small room. It was also my favorite where I would spend my days safely and happily. That night, I went asleep as usual enjoying the warm weather and the quiet atmosphere. It was a while when I heard strange voices. I woke up worried and afraid. The walls of the room were collapsing and and everything was moving upside down. I was pushed out of the room against my will.

It was too bright out there that I could neither open my eyes nor try to figure out what was going on. It was painful too that made me first think of screaming as a relief although it would do nothing to the situation. However, with more patience and struggling, I could barely open my poor eyes that felt the very bright light as knifes snapping them. It was really unexpected to see nothing in front of me but white space. At that exact moment, I thought of how fast it had happened and began concentrating more in order to see something that can lead me to any hint of what was going on. I began checking myself with my bare hands when I found a sticky and stinky liquid covering my naked body. I couldn't stand it and could finally scream loudly. Then I began recognizing something in the white space. With more effort and time I could see more and realize the situation which was still odd.

It was really strange to see all of those huge strangers staring at me with their doll looks and cold smiles. It looked like they were expecting me to get out of my room and as if all the things happened were planned by them. Then when I could ear them, they were talking to each other in a strange language that made the situation more complex. A tough, huge and hairy hand graped me from my legs and hit me strongly on my back The giant was cruel, he did not have mercy upon me. After he placed me down, another one of them whispered in my ear in that very strange language of them. I understood nothing of what was said. I felt relived. I questioned myself about that feeling, yet i have no answer.

In spite of the hard situation I was in, I couldn't fight for my freedom and gave up easily to them to do whatever they wanted to me. My will wasn't with me at that time. Many years after this incident, I thought of telling someone of it so that he or she could help me understand. I hesitated at the beginning expecting no one to believe it or even more to tell my it was a dream which I was certain it wasn't. I finally collected myself and went to my grandmother telling her the whole story. I was really shocked to see her reacting with me as if she believed it which really encouraged me to continue. When I was over she put her hand on my back as softly as usual saying "It was the day you were born in son".